Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
