my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
