So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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