the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
