im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
