Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Ketchup is God's man juice
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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