My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
