We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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