3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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