it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
