Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
