You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
