Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
