So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
