Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
