So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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