i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
