sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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