My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
