You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Randomize
