Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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