i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
