Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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