y did u give ur computer a hand job?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
