mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
