just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
