i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
