Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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