Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
