Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
