Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I am one with the molecules
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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