5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
