What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
