dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
