You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
