You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
