so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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