You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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