alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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