I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
