Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
