It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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