Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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