I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
