I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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