Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
