I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and she was petting her beer can
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
