Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
