Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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