I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Girls should come with a carfax report
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
