My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
